Two trips to a clinic and I would have been on hormones despite records of two years of therapy and 3 trips to ER for suicide attempts in the last two years.


Submission by: anonymous
UK/17

I spent most of my childhood being gender non confirming, getting asked if I was a boy or a girl, acting like/spending most of my time with/hoping to be seen as a boy till I finally got sick of being treated as a bodyguard by the girls (as the only one who would fight the boys to protect them) and not being treated as a boy by any adults but patronized as a girl (told to reform my behavior because it was “unladylike” and that I couldn’t help with physical tasks, having to fight to be able to play rugby and ending up with a girls “tag rugby” team etc.) so I decided to “just be a girl” and conform for an easier life. I also repressed any attraction to females and forgot my first romantic/sexual relationships were with girls till mid adolescence. When I got my first girlfriend we were both very into liberal feminism, trans activism, gender theory, sex/kink positivity and a shallow understanding of the left. I started getting body and social dysmorphia and got her to refer to me as her boyfriend instead/ started presenting as male and felt amazing so I thought I was gender fluid because I didn’t want to think I was trans. Fast forward a few years I found radical feminism and agreed with most of it, at the same time however, I started having intense body dysmorphia that required unhealthy binding (several layers of binding materials with a proper binder on top) and talked to trans/liberal feminist friends who were convinced I was trans from my past experiences and what I was feeling. I found a way to fit transitioning and coming out to close friends with my politics by telling myself, “yes I’m female, I just would rather be seen as a man, dress in a typically male fashion, and have the body of one” and because I knew gender couldn’t be innate I used the fact I had physical dysmorphia to “prove” I was trans (and lessen the confliction of my politics and what I wanted.) But I was lying to myself. There WAS a distinct feeling and identification with maleness and what it represented, and even after talking to detransitioned rad fems who advised non-permanent solutions to the dysmorphia I sought out medical attention and saw a nurse about a referral to a gender Identity clinic. In the UK, hormones are free and most people report being given them at just the second appointment at the GIC. I didn’t go through with it because after a few months I woke up without body dysphoria. I thought it was just a day off but it didn’t come back/only came back in mild or social ways (which I never trusted as much because daily treatment of women isn’t something pleasant for most people anyway.) After another week I released I wasn’t trans and apologized to my friends and my doctor. My hardcore genderist friend was clearly disappointed and refused to hear my views on gender or what had happened as soon as I realized I wasn’t trans but stayed friends with me.

Here’s the thing. Whilst my past added up to ‘gnc or trans’, and my personality and social preferences where typically male “That feeling” was the defining factor (beyond even dysmorphia) and it wouldn’t add up with what I believed about gender being constructed and not innate. Whilst the majority my experience can be chalked up to internalized homophobia, not wanting to be affected by misogyny/wanting actual equality with men, and oppressive gender norms leading to physical dysmorphia, I think the idea of “feeling” like a gender shouldn’t always be ignored as just that. A factor I very stupidly ignored was mental illness, I have BPD (a key feature of which is an unstable sense of identity, values and goals.)  Which would explain the dysphoria coming in waves and the “feeling.” There is no way to “feel” like a gender. I think if you do ‘feel’ like male or female it is a mental issue it is not how people of those sexes/genders feel, it is an abnormality that should be addressed (not with surgery or hormones if that can be avoided but with mental health help.) What’s worrying to me is that no one ever talks about the prevalence of mental health issues in trans and non-binary people and how easy it is to make life changing health interventions even despite records of mental health issues. Two trips to a clinic and I would have been on hormones despite records of two years of therapy and 3 trips to ER for suicide attempts in the last two years. This is a real issue and I think mental health could explain the mysterious “feeling” trans people always talk about.